Etiquette in Movie Theatres

At this point, unless a Holodeck is about to be announced (which would be so sweet), nothing is more effective to suspend my disbelief other than a good old fashioned movie theater. While I remain an avid movie buff, my room filled with hundreds of DVDs, and to my horror, possibly Blu-Rays sometime soon, I don't shun the home theatre experience. On the contrary, I embrace it. Nothing satisfies me more than inspecting the mountaineous display of great films I have collected over the years, within my grasp.

And yet, no matter what I do to create the allusion of the theater, I know that it'll never compare to sitting with a bunch of strangers in a large dark theater.

Which brings me to my plea... The commercialization of "Movie Theaters" has understandably riddled the etiquette of the intended experience. The movie industry cripples many similar forms of entertainment because of the sheer masses. This leads to the sad inevitable reduction of respect when it comes to watching any film with an audience. I won't be an asshole and say that everyone shouldn't feel free to express their enjoyment in a comedy, but I'm making a claim that I've never made before: I'm cursed. Perhaps it's because I'm looking for them or maybe it's just the odds of hearing some jerk with too much concession food is extremely high. Regardless, I shouldn't have to deal with some obnoxious asshat munching or yapping during a very dramatic scene. It's not right, dammit, and it always seems to happen to me!

We pay an exorbitant amount of money already getting into these films, the last thing I want is for it to be ruined. Granted, if it's a comedy of any kind I have limits for what I can deal with. It just surprises me that common sense no longer exists. Do people yap through the ballet? The Symphony? No. It's considered incorrect behaviour and your dumb ass will be escorted out if you cause shit. So the question is, with the advent of pricing increases and audience demographics AND masses, how do we judge this? How do we do the right thing?

On a good experience at the theater you can become immersed in something wonderful, something that takes you away from the real world, let's tangle with hidden pleasures of voyeurism. Ah, the pleasure derived from such things... Anyway, what I mean is that having even a single great experience in a theater justifies a return, but also an expectation for the audience. From this I derived a thought, it's just about respect. There is very little respect for someone you can't see, much less for someone you're likely never to see again. (Unless you're me, and if you ruin my experience, I'll cut you... in the face)

What do we do? What can we do? Ordinarily I'd dream up some kind of paradise in the form of an old Art Deco-esque cinema filled with security guards holding shotguns and night vision goggles (fuck, remember when they used to warn you that during the film you'd be monitored in night vision if you tried to record the film... Damn you Faucult, damn the panopticon concept!). In any case, rather than dream up a wonderland, I think it's necessary to face reality.

We can't stop these people. We can't predict if we'll get a good or bad experience.


However.

We can make these people pay in the form of embarrassment.

I get pretty worked up when I hear someone behind me chuckling away, just deliberately being obnoxious or is just blinded by his or her own stupidity. I have a tolerance for whispering and laughing. I love audience participation.... Yes, that's right. I LIKE it. But only when it's appropriate.

But often enough you're in the right when you know someone's ruining a film. They're being loud and laying out their criticsms, or being some kind of smartass, or they're 13 trying to impress themselves and they're 13 year old girlfriend by popping zits and laughing like an infant and an old man morphing back and forth. So fuck 'em. If they're bothering you enough, let them know. I mean it! Turn around and let them know. Confrontation is something I think most Canadians seem to avoid (explains a lot about the state of our film industry). What's "too" much, what isn't. This isn't about satisfying your ego, it's about making sure you enjoy something because you PAID too much for it.

I recommend you go with your instincts, but don't refrain from approaching the jerk because you don't want to cause a scene. I believe there are levels of approaching. All determined by your disturber.

I saw Superman Returns. No, it wasn't good. And sure, it was a popcorn blockbuster. I buy popcorn almost every time I go to the movies. I love the stuff. But these two idiots behind me kept talking to each other as if they were annoyed at the movie for speaking over them. It was insane. And at this dramatic moment where (spoiler) Superman is falling from the sky these two are having a conversation like it's cool. The scene drained all sound away for dramatic effect, so, unlike the rest of the film, I was captivated but this single moment until they ruined it. My friend kept telling me to ignore them, but it's hard if they're behind you. But I didn't say anything. That is, not until after. As everyone was filing out these two idiots were behind me still laughing and chatting like they had before. So I turned around and told them:

"Hey guys, did you like the movie? No? Me neither, not because it was bad but because I had to listen to you two narrate the entire thing. I' didn't pay 12 bucks to hear you two have a conversation." 

I know, very elaborate, maybe a tag much, but I had collected some hate for these people and felt like a Superman of movies, unable to abide the slaughter of proper movie watching etiquette. It seemed to dampen their spirits, as they apologized and quickly scurried away. The best part is that the people who also saw the film smiled in agreement.

I vowed I would not allow my experience to be attacked again. If someone's pissing me off, I'll turn around and tell them to be quiet. 9 times out of 10 they will be quiet. Occationally you'll get some thug or preteen who will feel as though they're whole life is in jeopardy if they comply, but that's usually not the case. If it is, cut them in the face or call security. Probably the latter. Cutting leads to bad places. Fucking Foucault!

I see this issue as a reflection of our culture and I don't enjoy it. The community surrounding a theater intrigues me because you can marvel together with strangers the beauty of film. For those precious moments you can become involved in that world of pandora, or get aroused by that sex scene (err..), or get reduced to a teary blob of saddness because of how much you felt for that character. You can share that all with an audience, and that's an amazing wonder I don't think gets enough attention. When the crowd is good, it makes all of the difference. I'm not suggesting we all become mindless atomitons that can't feel how we feel or act as ourselves. I'm just simply asking for respect.

Oh my brothers, must we do this to make you understand?


And I'm not saying every situation calls for conflict, but there are most definately those times where you are well within your rights to tell the mother fraker to shove his foot in his mouth.

So say we all.